I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
