Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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