nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
