I smell stomach acid.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
