She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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