And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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