I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
