Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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