bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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