Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
