This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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