Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
