this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
