i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He's a Shit stain on my heart
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
