My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i think i just lost a toe
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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