Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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