You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
