I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I will pee on everything he values.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
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