Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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