So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I checked into jail on foursquare
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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