I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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