I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
