I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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