i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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