I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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