Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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