Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
