have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
