last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
