The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
