ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
