Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
