In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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