You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
