M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
