it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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