i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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