i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
