The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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