How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
