You're my little dorito
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
