why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
