So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
