My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
