God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
