Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
