Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
