College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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