people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun