what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
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I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize