he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.