If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH