so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
