I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
