conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
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I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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