I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
