Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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