Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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