This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
