wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
