Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
